Sunday,July 10th, 2005
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Why is it that computers in movies are always evil. Seriously, it's always the Attack of the KILLER Robots, instead of something like the Attack of the Useful Robots. Which would totally make more sense because most electrical appliances these days don't try to kill people. Like my computer. I have yet to see my computer rebel and shoot skin melting lasers at me. And yet Hollywood persists. I mean seriously, when's the last time you've seen a robot in a movie that SAVED lives instead of mercilessly melting them? I can only remember one, and that's the Iron Giant, and the only reason he wasn't making well done steaks out of people was because he totally forgot he was supposed to because he got shocked by electricity. Which makes me wonder, why is it that these hobo feeding, terrorist fighting, Cancer curing computers always turn evil when someone spills a soda on them or something. Why can't they just, you know, stop working, or maybe work less efficiently, instead of, you know, becoming bent on world destruction. Better yet, why is it that these multi-million dollar computers always have stupid weaknesses, like soda. You'd think that people would care enough about expensive equipment, to, you know, protect it or something. But they don't, and so when that lightning strikes that artificial intelligence jet fighter pilot supercomputer, it will not only change its target, but it will change its target to the fucking White House, because choosing a more abundant/accessible/less important target, like a tree, or a rock, or a preschool would just not be evil enough. Because lightning is scary, and scary things should turn things evil, kind of like how Michael Jackson turned the jury evil and set himself free. But to be fair, when things turn evil for stupid reasons, they should probably die for stupid reasons too. Like that artificial intelligence jet fighter pilot supercomputer should just run out of batteries and stop working, or the killer robots bent on world destruction should just crash because they're running on Windows 95. Or maybe one of the scientists should discover a "Turn Computer Back Good" switch underneath a mug of coffee that'd been sitting on a table the entire movie. That'd make a suitably stupid ending. However, Hollywood is never reasonable, and chances are we'll end up having to watch human emotion and instinct (which, by the way, no computer will ever be able to replicate because otherwise there will be no way for the humans to win) overcome machine-like efficiency as they take advantage of some stupid flaw and triumph over machine. But that's crap, and you know it. And that's why I think I should make a movie called Donnie Defibrilator. It'll be about a defibrilator named Donnie that's completely useful, and never ever wants to kill anyone. In fact, he'll go as far as to help people by bringing them back alive and saving them from heart attacks. But at one point in the movie, he'll get struck by lightning, and the audience will know "Uh oh, this is it! This is when Donnie turns into Donnie the Decapitator!" But Donnie will just sit up and laugh because he's a defibrilator, and electrical shock is what defibrilators do best. And the audience will be relieved because they will be glad that Donnie will not become evil, and they will feel happy instead of afraid. The movie will end when Donnie is put out of commission when more advanced defibrilators are invented, and at first he will be sad, but then he will be happy, because he will realize that he is just really part of the Circle of Life (the same one as in the Lion King, except less African), and that one day, when he dies, his parts will be recycled and used to create a new Defibrilator, and it will be through this new Defibrilator that Donnie will live on. It will be a touching scene indeed. But this movie will never be created, because Hollywood is full of fat, old slugs who are afraid of computers, and so movies about useful robots will never be made, and movies about killer robots will always be made. Except by independent film makers, and we all know nobody watches their movies anyways. |
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