Monday,December 05th, 2005
| Poker? I don't even know her. | ||
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Poker is the stupidest game ever and only fat white people play it. First off, the game is called Texas Hold'em, and like all things Texas, it's all about holding a nice pair in your hand on the flop and then going all in on your partner until he pulls out. If that sounded incredibly homosexual, you can rest easy tonight because your hearing is fully functional, which is much unlike your brain. The best way to play Texas Hold'em is to play Texas Fold'em, which is where you keep folding, because that's a pretty good way to guarantee you're going to lose, which is pretty good because it means you can get as far away from the table as soon as possible. Poker is all about the chips. In Poker, chips are kind of like money. In the days of the settlers, buffalo chips were pieces of buffalo crap. In both cases, a lot value was placed on a relatively cheap substance. In the case of buffalo chips, however, the relatively cheap substance was edible. Like potato chips, except with 30% less fat, like Sun Chips brand wheat chips, which are pretty fucking tasty, and probably 30% tastier than buffalo chips, but I wouldn't know because I've never eaten buffalo shit before. But as if Poker wasn't already dominating every aspect of everyone's lives, poker is on TV too, and whenever it's on, they call it the World Series of Poker, and that pretty much means Fat White Guys Gone Wild if by Gone Wild you really mean Sitting Around Getting Fatter, because that's pretty much all it is. They've even got commentators that comment on the hot poker action with insightful comments that keep you updated on what's going on just in case you suddenly grow blind and are unable to see that the "dealer is dealing the cards now." In that case, it would probably be hard to play poker unless you found some braille cards or get bitten by a radioactive bat and become batman (not to be confused with the get suedingly copyright infringible DC Comics superhero, Batman) and gain the ability to use echo location. And even then it'd be pretty hard to play poker, but at least you'd have echo location. Poker, like Pokemon before it, is a stupid fad like pogs and Hitler. But we should always be wary, because someday, Poker and Pokemon might join forces like the fucking robot dinosaurs in Power Rangers and become a fucking Megazord of a fad called Pokermon. In this Pokermon, the protagonist, Ash Ketchum would be on a quest to be the fattest, whitest guy ever. It being an anime, most of it's North American fans would be able to relate. Cosplay would be revolutized as people would just go to AnimeCon 2k6 without a costume and still be recognized as "that fat white kid from Pokermon." Eventually, Pokermon, much like Pokemon, will be attacked by the Church (the capital C denotes the Holy Roman Catholic nature of the church), only to have its attacks refuted by the corpse of Pope John Paul II who'll claim that it teaches children to love. Except this time nobody'll be able to understand because the Pope can't talk anymore, he can only throw pigeons and doves at people, which fucking sucks because they shit all over you. Oh, and I guess it kind of sucks for the Pope too, but he's dead now so that's okay. In conclusion, poker is a pretty shitty game. But in the end, all it is is a game, and the moment you make it into something more than it really is is the moment that it begins to become ridiculous. Seriously, professional poker players? The word professional should indicate that you possess some sort of a talent, and by talent I don't mean sitting on your ass, and looking at a couple of pieces of paper and being a fucking douchebag. Play the game, but don't let the game play you. |
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